“Tin Foil Hat’s Off” 5/14/08

Welcome to today’s installment of Tin Foil Hat’s Off, the hottest rumor column in the world of comics!

 

NORTHSTAR OUTTED AS A SKRULL!!!

• TFHO has received information from multiple credible sources that it will be revealed that former X-Man and member of Alpha Flight, Northstar, will soon be revealed as a long-time Skrull in disguise.  The story is that the Real Northstar was kidnapped years ago and has had a Skrull impersonating him ever since.  The reasoning behind this is that Marvel wishes to undo the decision for the character to be homosexual.  The timeline will show that Northstar coming out as a homosexual was in fact a Skrull impersonating Northstar pretending to be homosexual.  When the real Northstar returns Marvel plans on hooking him up in a stable, heterosexual relationship with another former member of Alpha Flight.  Some guy named Steve informs us that it will not be Snowbird or the young, female Puck, leaving few options open for our woman-lusting speedster Cannuck.

NEW CREATIVE TEAMS TO BE ANNOUNCED FOR GREEN LANTERN, JSA AND LEGION OF 3 WORLDS

• Multiple totally credible sources have informed TFHO that they will be unveiling new writers for Green Lantern, Justice Society of America and the upcoming Legion of Three Worlds.  When asked to comment on this, DC Editor Extraordinaire, Dan Didio confirmed that the changes in writers had been discussed, but there was nothing that they were ready to announce at this time.  When asked if this was tied into Geoff Johns’ rumored escape from DC Comics’ offices, a confrontational Mr Didio informed TFHO that Geoff Johns had never been held against his will, forced to write comics in exchange for food and water, and that the chains on his desk were Mr. Johns’ idea as he felt that they made him a better writer.  Mr. Didio did state that if anyone does happen to see Mr. Johns, not to call the police or his family, but rather contact a local Time-Warner Repossesion Squad immediately, and to tell no one.

SEAN McKEEVER’S SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY IN PUBLIC PARK

• According to multiple sources, writer of the Teen Titans and the upcoming Terror Titans miniseries was seen recently sitting in a park eating a sandwich.  It is not known at this time what kind of sandwich it was, but according to multiple, completely credible sources it was possibly of the Egg Salad or Chicken Salad variety.  When TFHO contacted DC Comics on this issue we received the following statement: “who in the hell are you people and how did you get this number?”  TFHO will stay on this story and bring you developments as they happen.

BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS REFUSES TO APOLOGIZE TO ACTIVIST GROUP

• TFHO has learned from this totally credible source that Brian Michael Bendis still refuses to apologize to the American Paleontological Society after he was overheard telling a friend that he was glad that the Dinosaurs were extinct because they were “big, stupid, smelly, cold-blooded monsters who would likely eat us all if they were still alive.”  Enraged Dinosaur-lovers have demanded at the least an apology from the creator and his employer, Marvel Comics; however some more militant factions of those activist groups are demanded that Bendis be fired for his insensitivity, even tho they conceded that the Dinosaurs probably would eat us if they had a chance.  When asked to comment, We were told that Bendis was not available, but in the background we overheard someone sounding remarkably like Bendis yelling “The Hell?  Is that another one of those #@$%in’ Dino-Lovers?”  We cannot confirm that it was Bendis, but according to this guy named Steve, it probably was.

 

Join us next time for the best comics rumors found anywhere on the internet!  If you have any juicy gossip that you’d like to share, just let us know – the only thing we ask is that you have totally, like, completely credible sources or at least have it verified by that guy, Steve.