Yes – I have already seen Cloverfield

Yep.  The viral advertising worked on me.  I saw Cloverfield on opening weekend.

That says a lot right there.  I hate going to the movie theatre.  I hate how crowded it is, and how rude the talkers are, and I hate how freaking overpriced it is.  When I go to the theatre, it is because I want to see something on the big screen, and dammit – I wanted to see this on the big screen.

No spoilers from me.  I really, really enjoyed this flick; quite a bit more than I had expected to.  The monster was utterly amazing, and they showed just enough to get the point across and to leave you wanting more.  The monster was as much of a character in this story as was New York City itself.  They both played their roles brilliantly.

As for the human actors, not bad all around.  I actually felt sympathetic to all, and I even liked a lot of them (and not just because Marlena was hot…oy vey!)  The script had a lot of nice lines, most delivered by the guy who showed up on camera the least, and the bottom line was simple: this was a flick about people and their very human reactions to something as completely otherworldly as a big nasty from the deep attacking a heavily populated city.

Incredible special effects; nifty product placement; clever camera work…three thumbs up from me!

But enough about the film…since this was a film about people, let’s discuss people.  Namely, the people who thought it was a good idea to bring young children to a flick like this.  From the first attack through the end of the movie there were young kids who kept going up and down the stairs to duck out in the hallway, obviously freaked out by the movie.  Hell, I was freaked out by the movie on more than one occassion!  There were several “HOLY SH*T!” moments throughout this and it was clearly not made for young children in mind.  I know that it says “PG-13,” but that does not mean “my 5-year old kid will love this!”  There were at least two little kids crying in the hallway where their parents had taken them…so that they could still watch the movie.  Let me tell you – half of the freak-out factor comes from the sounds in this movie.  A 5-year old closing his or her eyes isn’t going to stop the deafening roar which will likely be with them for many dreams to come.

Another fun group of people I saw were the “cell-phone photojournalists,” who had their phones out throughout the movie, trying to snap an image of the monster at various points so that they could go put them on the net, I’m assuming.  In a dark theatre a fully-lit screen from a RAZR can be phenomenally annoying…and there were several of them.  Movie stills will hit the net soon enough, so was it really worth being so damned inconsiderate of others for these clowns to get their “Jimmy Olsen” on?  Not quite, says this reporter…

Finally, there are the in-house Movie-Reviewers.  These people feel the need to loudly exclaim brilliant commentary such as “There’s the Monster!” at precisely the moment that the Monster appears on screen.  Magnificent!  And their interaction with one another: “DID YOU SEE THAT?”  A fascinating question that was well-timed to occur just after some event, seen by the entire theatre, occurred on screen.  Brilliant!

 Yeah, I know that I sound like a grumpy gus, but like I said, I hate going to the theatre.  Plus, it’s not like any of these people actually ruined this for me.  I loved the flick!  I just can’t help but notice people around me when I’m in a crowd.  Much like Randal, tho I may not like people I am fascinated by gatherings.  It’s kind of like a cool, interactive zoo in which I am the spectator as well as one of the animals, undoubtedly being observed by others as keenly as I observe them.

Yes….I forgot to wear pants again.  I already heard it from the cops, so I don’t need to hear about it from any of you.

Before I sign off, I need to comment on the previews: Hellboy, Iron Man and the new Will Ferrell basketball movie look good; the Ruins looks bad; Step Off 2 looks…..I’m sorry – was that preview a joke?  That’s not a real movie, is it?

Oh, and then there’s that other J.J. Abrahms project coming out next December…that gave me chills!

 In closing – go see Cloverfield…just do not take your 5 year-old kid; don’t take cell phone pics; and don’t provide audible commentary.  Now – Bring on the Sequel!!!

Dear Walgreens,

Dear Walgreens,

Hi!  It’s me, James.  You know – the tin foil hats guy.  Yeah, well, I really do enjoy the convenience of your stores, and I shop there often; however, I think that there are a few things that you do not know about me which you should.

1. I do not, nor have I ever used Crystal Methamphetamine.
2. I do not know how to make Crystal Methamphetamine.
3. I have no desire to know how to make Crystal Methamphetamine, and even if I did, I wouldn’t make it.

I really feel as if I need to express to you just how much of a non-Meth-head I am.  Hell, I don’t even know if I spelled Methamphetamine correctly, and it doesn’t bother me if I did not do so.  All I want is for you to understand that I am not part of the Crystal Meth sub-culture…if such a destructive collective can be described as such.

I’m telling you this because I do like to use Claritin-D.  You see, Walgreens, I live in Houston, Texas.  We are a sub-tropical zone with many different species of tree and flower, all of which are utterly neurotic.  You see, down here we don’t have “seasons.”  Instead, we opt for random strings of hot and cold (by our standards) days which confuse the hell out of poor plants who don’t know if they should be dropping leaves or growing them.  They are confused, emotionally disturbed and they take out their neurotic frustrations by releasing as much pollen in the air as possible on any given day.  Even the evergreen trees (which are the most numerous) constantly spray us with their pollen, but that isn’t because they’re neurotic…they’re just dicks.

The point is, Walgreens, that my allergies are constantly going kablooey in my poor, little head.  Using Claritin-D helps me to not live in allergy-riddled misery.  But here’s the problem – because of the State of Texas’s War on Meth, I can only buy so much Claritin-D at a time in a month so that I can’t run off and use it to make up a batch of Meth.  I know that it isn’t your fault, Walgreens.  You are just playing by the rules in this War on Meth…but I don’t feel that I should be a casualty in this war. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the movie “Scanners,” Walgreens, but in it a guys head blows up; and that’s what I fear may happen to me.  I know that it was a cool scene, but when you think about it, a head blowing up is not, in fact, cool.  If my head were to blow up right now due to the pollen-related allergies of mine you’d be splattered with all kinds of nasty stuff: blood, skull fragments, nose hair, earlobes, bits of tongue, aqueous humor, tonsils and so forth.  There’s a reason why most of that stuff is on the inside, you know.

I am not trying to diminish the efforts of the State of Texas to combat Crystal Meth, but surely there are better ways than by preventing me from getting a few tablets of this Claritin-D stuff so that I don’t go all “Scanners” on everyone.  If it were up to me, we’d take every meth-head in the state and ship them up to Oklahoma or over to Louisiana.  Maybe then I could buy Claritin-D or cough syrup when I need it.

Thank you for listening, Walgreens.  You’re a real pal.

tfh

If you shoot your guns into the air on New Year’s Eve, then you are an idiot.

Honestly, what more can I say which my title does not already cover?

This may sound bizarre to some people, but there are those (we’ll refer to them henceforth as “idiots”) who think that it is a wonderfully appropriate and festive tradition to shoot their guns into the air at midnight to celebrate the New Year.  I know, I know…it sounds unbelievable, but the idiots are out there.  You cannot pass this off as merely a “southern” thing, as I’ve seen and heard of this practice taking place in such wonderful northern locales like Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois, New York; and for our west coast friends; California and Washington.

It doesn’t matter which state you are in, or whichever side of the Mason-Dixon line you may reside – the fact remains that anyone who thinks that it is a good idea to shoot their gun in the air at midnight on New Year’s Eve is AN IDIOT!!!

One word, idiots: GRAVITY.  What goes through these people’s minds when they squeeze off a couple rounds into the air?  Do they think that the bullets disintegrate?  Do they think that they get stuck in clouds?  Do they think that they go into orbit???  If so then why the hell are we wasting so much money on rocket fuel with each launch when we can just strap a satellite to some idiot’s barrel and launch that puppy into orbit with the squeeze of some idiot’s finger?

My God…people die because of this idiocy.  This has nothing to do with the Second Amendment; this has nothing to do with personal rights…this has to do with the fact that sometimes Darwinism can’t catch up to all of the idiots before they go and hurt somebody with their idiotic idiocy.

 Happy New Years!!!  Drink some sparkling wine; light a firecracker (do NOT hold it in your hand or throw it at someone, idiots!); kiss your loved one; sing Auld Lang Syne….there are so many things you can do which do not involve the blatant disregard of gravity mixed with alcohol, insecurity-driven bravado and yes….idiocy.

Thank you, and if you know any idiots who engage in this behavior, please try to talk some sense into them before they go and ruin somebody’s life.