Dem on Dem Violence – Delicious and Nutritious!

I will give this to Obama and Clinton – they are amusing the hell out of me.  Whether it be Reverend Wright’s Racist Rants or Sinbad Presents: the Snipers of Bosnia – they are just giving us all a good laugh here and there.  Well done, sir and ma’am!

You know who I really feel bad for in all of this?  I mean – really, truly and absolutely?  Those poor schmucks in Pennsylvania.  I thought that we had it bad here in Texas when Barack, Hillary, John and Mike were knocking on doors, going through people’s trash, setting up pirate radio stations and sending out smoke-signal attack ads for a few weeks…those poor bastards up in Pennsylvania are going to be bombarded by them for weeks to come!

I can see it now: the Streets of Philadelphia….Ghost Town!  In Pittsburgh the citizens only come out under the cover of darkness!  In Allentown they’re hiding in all those factories shut-down that Billy Joel told us about.  All of these people hiding, living in fear…if one can truly call that living.  You can’t blame them, tho – they know that if they’re spotted out on the streets that they will be attacked immediately by pollsters and stumpers, demanding to know who they are voting for…and ready to tell them why they are wrong if they say the incorrect answer!  There will be no peace, no respite for these people until after April 22nd, and the zombie heard flocks to it’s new location.

And before I go any further – I want to apologize to the zombies for comparing them to these campaign workers.  Zombies are hard-working ghouls, just trying to get by in this crazy world.  They have to put up with social stigma due to the smell of their rotting flesh and a society who doesn’t approve of these humble creature’s eating habits.  Well – mock the Zombies all that you want – at least they seek out those with Brains.  You cannot say the same for the current mob of political activists running around in Penn’s Forest.  No – they want people with fewer brains: the less thoughts the better!  They just want their targets to be able to remember the last soundbite they hear before shuffling into the polling booth to do the bidding of their new dark lords and masters.  That’s not what Zombies are about, man…I know this and I apologize to every Undead-American  who is reading this.

They’d have to be undead – I can’t see any live people reading this tripe.  Won’t stop me from typing it, tho!  Nope!  I am doing the on-line version of talking to myself.  Why?  Because I like the little tickety-tap sound the keys make when I hit them really fast. 

Back to the Dem-on-Dem Violence:  I’m a fan.  Keep it up, Hill and O!  Keep slapping each other when you are down; keep biting at each other’s last words; try to drag each other into the muck as you stumble.  You’re both doing a wonderful job right now and I know that you can keep this going all the way to the Convention!  You are it:  you are the story!  No one even knows who the Republicans are running at this point, and the Libertarians?  The Greens?  The Other Greens?  Yeah – no one knows, and no one cares!  They could all be more qualified, but that’s not the point: you guys are more entertaining!

Well, at least to those of us who find humor in people repeatedly putting their feet in their mouths.  As far as physical comedy goes, that is right up there with the unexpected shot to the nuts.  Gold every time, Jerry!  Gold!!!

As for what lies ahead: I think that we can all turn this into a game.  We could set it up like Squares, where you pick a candidate, a date and a scandal.  each space costs $10 and you can tell your buddies: “I have Obama with a hooker on April 7th;” or “Hillary takes credit for ending the Cola Wars on March 29th.”  Personally, I’m voting for whichever candidate stopped the evil Galactic Empire plans by blowing up the Death Star.

God, these people amuse me….and one of them has a chance at being in charge this time next year….

Well, that thought just killed my buzz.

Where have all the boobies gone?

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/5627813.html

The decade-long battle between the City of Houston, Harris County and the multitude of strip clubs, wank banks, and “modelling studios” was dealt a severe blow yesterday as the U.S. Supreme Court declined to hear the appeal brought forth by several sexually-oriented business owners and managers.

 The city points out that it has spent about 1.2 million dollars enforcing the standards put in place in 1997…but they aren’t really saying exactly how much revenue they have made off of said places in that same time period.  I understand that there are some neighborhoods that want these places out, but overall this has always just seemed like another two-faced attempt to legislate morality while profitting from what they complain about.

I understand that the city doesn’t want a red light district…or multple red light districts, but when nighborhoods, schools and churches pop up around where some of these establishments are located, then don’t they share in the blame?  Is it really OK to drive people out of a place where they’ve been doing business just because you don’t care for it?

I’m not a patron of these establishments.  Unlike the former Governor of New York, I think that it is absolutely horrifying to spend so much money on prostitutes and other sexual perversions.  After all, I’m all about smart budgeting: I have never spent more than $750 for a hooker; and I can find plenty of pornography on the internet if the need arises (which I still don’t require a pill for: little, blue or otherwise).  That may not qualify me for public office, but it gets the job done!

But I digress – just because I do not no longer attend these places on a regular basis it does not mean that I am going to be less outraged when I see what I perceive to be bad civic policy.  We can’t have our strippers, hookers and patrons of wank banks harrassed by schools, hospitals or the Sunday Mafia.  NOT IN MY HOUSTON!

Our city was founded on brothels, casinos and pubs, dammit!  It is our heritage.  We cannot turn our backs on our heritage now just because the Presbyterians and Lutherans don’t want to see Candy Kane, Euphoria and Cherry Bombz walking to work on Sunday morning with their night-time makeup, “f**k-me” pumps and fresh-off-the-assembly-line chests!  We cannot forget our past just because some parents don’t want their children to not know about the multiple opportunities to break into the fashion industry at any one of our numerous of “modelling” studios!  We cannot let the dream of Augustus and John Kirby Allen die just because some random city councilman, who back in the late 90s blew over $7500 on a stripper named Chastity Synz, and has since held a grudge after discovering that she didn’t really “like him” like him!!!!  NEVER!!!

 As long as the city collects revenue from these establishments, we should stand as one and raise our hands into the air and say “NEIN!!!”

OK, one hand will do.

High Fidel-ity

Or better yet…is Fidel high???

I read a little news snippet earlier today where that rascal, Fidel Castro, in his latest fit of impotent rage has announced that there will be no diplomatic relations as long as George W. Bush is President.

Um….Fidel?  How is that any different from Clinton, Bush 41, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon or Johnson???  Hate to be the bearer of bad news, Fidel, but I really don’t think that it is up to you when diplomatic relations will resume. 

Honestly, I feel kind of bad for the guy – he needs an “adversary” so badly…but outside of the Cuban Exile community, he just can’t get anyone in America to care about his little, oppressive bastion of failed Marxism.  He reminds me of the “Toll House Cookie” kid, saying “I’m leaving…..you’ll never see me again….I mean it!”  Fidel, buddy – we haven’t forgotten that you’re there, we just don’t give a rat’s ass about you.  No offense, chief.

What poor ol’ Fidel doesn’t realize is that he is so far below our government’s radar right now.  There will be no resumption of diplomatic relations until the formaldahyde man eventually kicks the bucket, and even then it won’t be our government doing anything about change.  There will be major forces at work, but it won’t be Bush, or whomever his successor will be.  The big names in the next stage for Cuba will be ones like: Caesar’s Palace; or Harrah’s; or Trump; or the Waltons.  Fidel’s dream of war with America will not come to pass…all he has to look forward to after his death is where the first Starbucks will be located once the US lifts the embargo.

OK, so there will be no diplomatic relations with the US as long as Bush is President…you’re really showing us, Fidel!  I think that we just got, as the kids say, diplomo-served.  No other option now but a dance off…

Have you heard about this “Cloverfield” movie?

You may or may not have heard, but there’s a movie coming out this weekend called “Cloverfield.”  It’s been kind of hush-hush, and not many people are talking about it, but I am looking forward to seeing it.  From the various rumor sites and message boards, it sounds as if there is going to be a gigantic monster of some kind attacking New York City.

This, of course, solidifies New York City’s position as the new Tokyo in terms of disaster movies…only with more variety.  With Tokyo it is always:

• Godzilla attacks Tokyo
• Godzilla and Mothra fight, devastating Tokyo
• Godzilla and Mothra team up against Ghidra…Tokyo is hosed, once again

At least the New Yawkas mix it up a bit:

• New York destroyed by alien super-weapon
• New York destroyed by Tsunami
• New York destroyed by Godzilla…but in fairness he was trying to kill the cast of that movie, so it’s cool

 And now in Cloverfield New York City is destroyed by….well, a monster or something, I guess.

Here are a few predictions on the possible identity of the Cloverfield Big Bad:

1. The Apache Chief – think about it…he’s big, he hasn’t worked since the 80s, and he has ties to BALCO.  A roided-out Apache Chief could cause some serious damage in NYC.
2. That Creepy New York Mets Mascot – “meet the Mets…meet the Mets…”  AAAHHH!!!!  Those things are like teletubbies on their level of creepiness.  I’m sure that after so much pro-Yankee talk in the Big Apple that he may have finally had enough.
3. A Radioactive Platypus – don’t ask me why…it would just be too awesome on too many levels.
4. Radioactive Platypi – the only thing cooler than a radioactive platypus are multiple platypi…of the radioactive variety.
5. Woody Allen – I am still convinced that everyone from New York City looks, sounds and acts EXACTLY like Woody Allen…so wouldn’t it make sense for the monsters to do so as well?
6. The Titanic – Face it – no one would be expecting this to be a sequel to Titanic…no one but me, that is.  The boat could be coming back…perhaps manned by Radioactive Platypi and captained by the Apache Chief!  Yeah!  And it wouldn’t just be a boat – it would be a TRANSFORMER!  It would turn into a giant robot with the power of Woody Allen’s neurosis and it could shoot the heads of the Mets mascots out of it’s cannon-arms!  It’s voice would sound like Christopher Walken with a Darth Vader mask on, and he’d say things like: “I kept this uncomfortable hunk of metal in the one place they wouldn’t look…my ass” and people would be like “No!!!  Don’t step on us, Radioactive Transformer Titanic Man!”  and he’d be like “Oh, but I wish to step on you.  Mash you into goo.” and the people would scream: “Dude – NOT COOL!”  and then……shit, I saw something like this on the Lifetime Network the other day, nevermind.

Or maybe it’s just some big reptile thing.  Whatever, my idea is better.

Great Moments in Sports: Nolan Ryan vs. Robin Ventura

I know that several people like to talk about the greatest moments in sports.  Feats of incredible accomplishment, or indomitable wills never surrendering…

So yeah, you can find that stuff elsewhere.  Here at Tin Foil Hats we have a different standard for greatness in sports.  We’ll begin with one of the greatest moments in Major League Baseball:

Nolan Ryan beats the hell out of Robin Ventura

On August 4th, 1993, 26 year-old Chicago White Sox layer, Robin Ventura, experienced first hand a case of machismo going horribly wrong.  The Texas Rangers were playing the Chicago White Sox in the hot summer sun when Nolan Ryan hit the soon-to-be-infamous Ventura with an errant pitch.  In what must have seemed like a fabulous idea to Ventura at the time, he charged the mound at Nolan Ryan, who was 20 years the senior of the young, angry batter.

The result is the image you see above.  In a move which Ryan later claimed was something he learned to subdue cattle on his ranch, he proceeded to beat the crap out of the hapless Ventura until another player intervened to protect the young man.  That player was all Ryan’s teammate, Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez, who must have felt really bad for poor little Robin as he had his manhood thrown forever into question as the scene would be played again and again and again…..

At the end of the fracas, to add insult to injury, Ventura was ejected from the game along with White Sox manager, Gene Lamont.  As for Nolan Ryan…he was not ejected seeing as how he never left his ground during the entire attack by and subsequent humiliation of Robin Ventura.  Ryan did not allow another hit for the rest of the game.

Some say that fighting in sports is bad, and I can see their point at times, but if you do decide to start a fight in a ballgame, then make damned sure that you are not charging the mound against Nolan freaking Ryan, or you will get Ventura’d.

Dear Walgreens,

Dear Walgreens,

Hi!  It’s me, James.  You know – the tin foil hats guy.  Yeah, well, I really do enjoy the convenience of your stores, and I shop there often; however, I think that there are a few things that you do not know about me which you should.

1. I do not, nor have I ever used Crystal Methamphetamine.
2. I do not know how to make Crystal Methamphetamine.
3. I have no desire to know how to make Crystal Methamphetamine, and even if I did, I wouldn’t make it.

I really feel as if I need to express to you just how much of a non-Meth-head I am.  Hell, I don’t even know if I spelled Methamphetamine correctly, and it doesn’t bother me if I did not do so.  All I want is for you to understand that I am not part of the Crystal Meth sub-culture…if such a destructive collective can be described as such.

I’m telling you this because I do like to use Claritin-D.  You see, Walgreens, I live in Houston, Texas.  We are a sub-tropical zone with many different species of tree and flower, all of which are utterly neurotic.  You see, down here we don’t have “seasons.”  Instead, we opt for random strings of hot and cold (by our standards) days which confuse the hell out of poor plants who don’t know if they should be dropping leaves or growing them.  They are confused, emotionally disturbed and they take out their neurotic frustrations by releasing as much pollen in the air as possible on any given day.  Even the evergreen trees (which are the most numerous) constantly spray us with their pollen, but that isn’t because they’re neurotic…they’re just dicks.

The point is, Walgreens, that my allergies are constantly going kablooey in my poor, little head.  Using Claritin-D helps me to not live in allergy-riddled misery.  But here’s the problem – because of the State of Texas’s War on Meth, I can only buy so much Claritin-D at a time in a month so that I can’t run off and use it to make up a batch of Meth.  I know that it isn’t your fault, Walgreens.  You are just playing by the rules in this War on Meth…but I don’t feel that I should be a casualty in this war. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the movie “Scanners,” Walgreens, but in it a guys head blows up; and that’s what I fear may happen to me.  I know that it was a cool scene, but when you think about it, a head blowing up is not, in fact, cool.  If my head were to blow up right now due to the pollen-related allergies of mine you’d be splattered with all kinds of nasty stuff: blood, skull fragments, nose hair, earlobes, bits of tongue, aqueous humor, tonsils and so forth.  There’s a reason why most of that stuff is on the inside, you know.

I am not trying to diminish the efforts of the State of Texas to combat Crystal Meth, but surely there are better ways than by preventing me from getting a few tablets of this Claritin-D stuff so that I don’t go all “Scanners” on everyone.  If it were up to me, we’d take every meth-head in the state and ship them up to Oklahoma or over to Louisiana.  Maybe then I could buy Claritin-D or cough syrup when I need it.

Thank you for listening, Walgreens.  You’re a real pal.

tfh

Message to the For’ners in Regards to the US Election

Well, the Presidential election of 2008 is in full swing…as opposed to what it’s been in for the past year and a half, I guess.  Anyway, the year is here.  By this time next year we’ll be preparing to inaugerate our new Commander-in-Chief and I’m sure that I won’t be the only one who will be so damned sick of hearing about it that I could just scream.

There is one thing that baffles me every presidential election year, tho…I’m used to seeing the headlines every day and in every paper; and I’m used to the Race being the only topic of discussion on the 24-hour chatterboxes; but what I still do not get to this day is that this is true not only in America, but in so many foreign nations as well.

For’ners – why do you care?  Every time I ask this question to a for’ner, they usually get defensive and huffy, taking some sort of elitist stance of “well, unlike you we care about world events,” which is utter crap and they know it as well as I do.  The people of the UK, France or Canada don’t care who wins the presidential election of Paraguay or Mexico…but with America they are obsessed.

Interest wouldn’t be so bad, but all to often the for’ners seem to think that their opinions matter.  They don’t.  I know that sounds harsh, but it is pure fact.  If you are not a US Citizen, then your opinion on our Presidential politics flat-out does not matter.  We are not electing a leader who will be popular with you.  We are electing a leader who is best for us.  If you don’t like the person, well…piss off.  Not trying to be combative here, but it really annoys me to no end when I hear a for’ner interjecting their opinion into our matters, often chastising us for “not making the right decisions.”

That’s just it, tho – they are our decisions.  Do you think that many Americans would have elected Angela Merkl after the centerpiece of her campaign was to be as anti-American as possible?  Do you think that we would have agonized to no end if Sarkozy had not been elected in France?  Maybe some would have, but turnabout is fair play – the opinions of those Americans in those matters count for two things: jack and squat.

There are plenty of things going on in the world for non-US citizens to focus on in the coming year.  Our presidential race doesn’t have to be one of them, you damned, dirty, voyeuristic for’ners!

Obama and Huckabee win the Iowa Caucuses!

Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee won the Democrat and Republican Iowa Caucases, respectively.

 Hmmm….that’s nice.

Speaking of nice, I was so happy today because as I was out walking I saw a very pretty tree.  I know that there are those amongst you who believe that all trees are pretty, but that just isn’t true.  There are pretty trees, and there are ugly trees.  It is just a fact of nature: deal with it.

Of course, trees shouldn’t be judged by how pretty they are; but rather by the oxygen they help produce, or the shade that they provide, or by the quality of paper they’ll eventually provide one day.  I’d say that beauty is only skin-deep, but these are trees we’re discussing, and they don’t have skin.  They have bark.

Speaking of bark; I’ve always wondered what kind of sounds a tree would make if they had the chance.  I don’t think that they’d sound much like dogs, but then again, maybe they do…or maybe dogs sound like trees.  Hmm….

What would you ask a tree?  It can’t be a very stimulating conversation.  It’s not like that you can ask them if they’ve gone anywhere lately; and you can’t talk to them about baseball, because who knows if one of the Bats used in a baseball game was once a friend of that tree.  I would think that avoiding those kinds of touchy subjects would be for the best.

Speaking of tree-products…does anyone else feel guilty about using toothpicks sometimes?  Do you think that is really the kind of thing a tree aspires to become someday?  It would be really bad if they just made a single toothpick out of an entire tree and threw away the rest.  Seems kind of wasteful to me.  Should I feel bad for laughing at the thought?

Personally, I don’t use toothpicks anymore.  Instead, I use these little DenTek Triple-Clean Floss Picks.  They rock, and it’s not because using them helps to save trees, but rather it is because they have a taut line of floss on one end which makes getting between the molars easier.  Of course, if by using these I save even one tree then it would be worth it.

Of course, if a tree had a chance it would probably kill me, you and everyone whom we love.  They’d also kick dogs and step on kittens.  Come to think of it, Trees can be real dicks sometimes, as can that preachy, little, furry bastard, the Lorax.  Damn hypocrite probably has hardwood floors all throughout his Hollywood Mansion.

So yeah, Obama and Huckabee….whatever.

My New Year’s Resolutions

2008.  Wow, man.  I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d make it this far!  Yay me!!!

OK, since everyone loves breaking their New Year’s Resolutions, I figure that I need to set the groundwork here.

1. I resolve to pay as little attention as possible to the upcoming Presidential election.  I’ll let the other suckers waste time with this; I’ve done my bit for Queen and Country, so now some other shlub can take up the “I care” mantle.

2. I resolve to stop trying to provoke a war between Austrailia and France, just so that I can name it “The Franc-Oz War.”

3. I resolve to not watch a single NFL game from the end of the Super Bowl until the beginning of preseason.

4. I resolve to not get my hopes up for the Astros, no matter what they may or may not do.  If they end up winning the World Series, then I want my lack of hope credited for the victory.

5. I resolve to stop coffee.  Not stop “drinking” coffee, mind you – I don’t drink coffee.  I want to stop coffee…end the scourge of coffee once and for all, wiping out each bean and shutting down every Starbucks!  MWU-HA-HA-HA!!!

6. I resolve to try to rein in my evil laughter, especially in public.  I’m starting to sound like the damned Cobra Commander.

7. I resolve to search the internet until I can find some trace of pornography.  This may take a while, but I have heard that it is out there.

8. I resolve to refer to Dallas as “South Oklahoma” a bit less often than I do now.

9. I resolve to respect the opinions and feelings of others, unless I don’t feel like it at the time.

10. I resolve to come up with more of these later…..or not

Getting Cozy with Sarkozy!!!

I must congratulate French President, Nikolas Sarkozy, on his new relationship with one of my all-time favorite former models, Carla Bruni.   I’m trying to find an image of her that is work-safe and all that other junk.  Just do a google search without the safe-filter on, and you should see plenty of her. 

I’m proud of our fine, French Friend on the other side of the pond.  He isn’t hiding it; he isn’t making excuses for it…he’s just out there basically saying “Hey, I may be a little guy, but I’ve got money and power and I’m recently divorced, so Saddle Up!!!”

Here, I found a work/family friendly picture of her with her guitar:

Atractive in that nice, natural way.  She’s not a Silicone Diva; plus she plays the guitar, so that’s cool.  All in all, good job by the French guy.  Could you imagine that trying to play out over here?  I’m not one to run around like a chicken with my head cut off over some inconsistancies or hypocritical stances we sometimes take; but yowza…just imagine the firestorm if

1. A United States President got divorced while in office (especially so close to their election)
2. That US President started dating a model; especially one who was never shy about taking it all off.

Yeah…I’m sure that FOX, CNN, MSNBC and all the rest would treat that subject with the subtlety and discretion which they are known for.

 

Oh look!  Here she is again with her guitar, smiling as she’s about to bash it over someone’s head…wait – this isn’t wrestling, is it?  Well, if it were to happen here in the US then it may as well be.  The media circus and non-stop coverage would sound like a Vince McMahon-styled plot.  It could only end in someone getting their head shaved after a steel-cage match.  God bless our Media!

I’m curious how the French media is treating this.  Are they running her old pictures in their papers, or on their websites?  Are they following the two everywhere they go; critiquing every move they make?  I am going to assume so, because just as French is the language of love; sleazy trash is the language of Journalism.

You know who I really feel bad for in all of this?  Former president, Bill Clinton.  Somewhere he has got to be watching Sarkozy with this beautiful woman just thinking “Dammit! You French guys have all the luck!”