“Tin Foil Hat’s Off” 5/14/08

Welcome to today’s installment of Tin Foil Hat’s Off, the hottest rumor column in the world of comics!

 

NORTHSTAR OUTTED AS A SKRULL!!!

• TFHO has received information from multiple credible sources that it will be revealed that former X-Man and member of Alpha Flight, Northstar, will soon be revealed as a long-time Skrull in disguise.  The story is that the Real Northstar was kidnapped years ago and has had a Skrull impersonating him ever since.  The reasoning behind this is that Marvel wishes to undo the decision for the character to be homosexual.  The timeline will show that Northstar coming out as a homosexual was in fact a Skrull impersonating Northstar pretending to be homosexual.  When the real Northstar returns Marvel plans on hooking him up in a stable, heterosexual relationship with another former member of Alpha Flight.  Some guy named Steve informs us that it will not be Snowbird or the young, female Puck, leaving few options open for our woman-lusting speedster Cannuck.

NEW CREATIVE TEAMS TO BE ANNOUNCED FOR GREEN LANTERN, JSA AND LEGION OF 3 WORLDS

• Multiple totally credible sources have informed TFHO that they will be unveiling new writers for Green Lantern, Justice Society of America and the upcoming Legion of Three Worlds.  When asked to comment on this, DC Editor Extraordinaire, Dan Didio confirmed that the changes in writers had been discussed, but there was nothing that they were ready to announce at this time.  When asked if this was tied into Geoff Johns’ rumored escape from DC Comics’ offices, a confrontational Mr Didio informed TFHO that Geoff Johns had never been held against his will, forced to write comics in exchange for food and water, and that the chains on his desk were Mr. Johns’ idea as he felt that they made him a better writer.  Mr. Didio did state that if anyone does happen to see Mr. Johns, not to call the police or his family, but rather contact a local Time-Warner Repossesion Squad immediately, and to tell no one.

SEAN McKEEVER’S SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY IN PUBLIC PARK

• According to multiple sources, writer of the Teen Titans and the upcoming Terror Titans miniseries was seen recently sitting in a park eating a sandwich.  It is not known at this time what kind of sandwich it was, but according to multiple, completely credible sources it was possibly of the Egg Salad or Chicken Salad variety.  When TFHO contacted DC Comics on this issue we received the following statement: “who in the hell are you people and how did you get this number?”  TFHO will stay on this story and bring you developments as they happen.

BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS REFUSES TO APOLOGIZE TO ACTIVIST GROUP

• TFHO has learned from this totally credible source that Brian Michael Bendis still refuses to apologize to the American Paleontological Society after he was overheard telling a friend that he was glad that the Dinosaurs were extinct because they were “big, stupid, smelly, cold-blooded monsters who would likely eat us all if they were still alive.”  Enraged Dinosaur-lovers have demanded at the least an apology from the creator and his employer, Marvel Comics; however some more militant factions of those activist groups are demanded that Bendis be fired for his insensitivity, even tho they conceded that the Dinosaurs probably would eat us if they had a chance.  When asked to comment, We were told that Bendis was not available, but in the background we overheard someone sounding remarkably like Bendis yelling “The Hell?  Is that another one of those #@$%in’ Dino-Lovers?”  We cannot confirm that it was Bendis, but according to this guy named Steve, it probably was.

 

Join us next time for the best comics rumors found anywhere on the internet!  If you have any juicy gossip that you’d like to share, just let us know – the only thing we ask is that you have totally, like, completely credible sources or at least have it verified by that guy, Steve.

“Tin Foil Hat’s Off” – Welcome to the HOTTEST comics rumor column!!!

It has been a LONG time since I have posted here – been busy.  During that time I’ve wondered what I should talk about.  Yes, I am going to continue the Hawkmanology Project, and yes, I’ll continue to post on random thoughts running through my scary mind…but what could I do with this site?  What could I do to really give it some “Oomph” and some “hey-hey!”

Then it hit me: comics rumors sites are all the rage, so I’ve decided to get in on that scam.  Welcome to the first installment of “Tin Foil Hat’s Off” where we’ll expose the dark underbelly of the seedy comic books industry.

 

JUDD WINICK IN HOT WATER WITH PETA!!!

• Comic Writer and reality TV Superstar, Judd Winick, is reportedly in hot water with the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.  Winick was spotted by several credible sources (most of whom do not have criminal records) as meeting with three PETA officials where they lambasted him repeatedly over issues they have with the writer and his record in regards to animal rights while sitting in a Hot Tub.  One credible source was quoted as saying “who the hell are these people?  They told me that Britney’s little sister sunbathes topless back here. Dammit!”  Another totally reliable source informed us that “Judd and his wife are way, way blacker than they appear on television!”  Finally, some guy named Steve told me that it wasn’t actually Judd Winick all of these people were spying on, but rather a starting power forward for an unnamed NBA team, his girlfriend and his friends.  The player’s wife could not be reached for comment.

Tin Foil Hats contacted Winick, but he refused to comment on this article.  Next time Tin Foil Hats will try to actually find a real phone number rather than press a random series of numbers.

DC EDITOR DAN DIDIO ARRESTED FOR BREAKING & ENTERING

• Dan Didio, editor supreme of DC Comics, was arrested yesterday in Marshalltown, Iowa, at the home of a comic book collector of 25 years.  The fan, who’s name is being withheld for his own protection, returned home from vacation early only to find Mr. Didio in his comic collection, taking inventory of his comics.  When the police arrived at John McDavid’s home…..dammit, remind me to edit out his name, ok?  Anyway – when they arrived at 2238 Morseville Drive, a defiant Mr. Didio boldy proclaimed to the police and media gathered from 58 countries that “I did it!  I broke into his house to look at his collection!”  When asked why, Mr. Didio stated “nothing gives me as much joy as targetting individual comic book fans, discovering their favorite characters and ruining them!”  Mr. Didio laughed maniacally as they took him away in the squad car, screaming “I’ll get you, comics fans!  I’ll get you all!  Every one of you!  No one is safe!  The next person I’m targetting is…” and at that point I couldn’t keep up with the squad car I had been running along as it drove off.  It was cool of them to leave the window down so that I could get that quote, tho.  The unnamed victim, John McDavid, has since gone into hiding as the whereabouts of Joe Quesada are unknown.  Hopefully Joe won’t look for a guy named Pedro Sanchez in Waxahachie, Texas, because that’s so totally McDavid in disguise!

Several names in this story have been changed, except for Mr. Didio, Mr. Quesada and Mr. McDavid…so I guess none of the names have been changed….

KEITH GIFFEN HAS BEEN NAMED A “PERSON OF INTEREST” IN CALL GIRL RING

• Legendary DC Comics writer Keith Giffen may not be Bwa-Ha-Ha-ing so much these days.  According to some guy named Steve, Giffen has been named as a possible person of interest in the investigation into a high class call girl service in San Angelo, Texas.  When asked to comment on the case, Giffen was said to reply “My hoes know when to keep tha shizzle hizzle.”   Further research on the subject eventually revealed that we did not actually contact Giffen, but rather some little 15 year-old white kid from the suburbs named Trey.  In retrospect we could have left all of that out of this report.  When asked about this case, the San Angelo Police Department issued the following statement: “SIr, if you call 911 about this again we will arrest you.”   More on this story as it develops.

editor’s note – that guy, Steve, now says that it may have been Merv Griffin, or possibly Melanie Griffith involved in this, and promises that next time he won’t drunk-dial the story in.

 

TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR THE HOTTEST COMICS RUMORS ON THE INTERWEB THINGY!!!